Sexual Play. . .
Some things I have been thinking about today, on this rainy Saturday afternoon . . .
Think about children. . . they embark on such imaginative journeys by the age of four. . . they make up names, places they are exploring, missions, adventures,; they put on costumes and play scenes out for hours, sometimes even alone, and often with other friends. This is a time in a person’s life when the imagination begins to serve as a survival tool for the psyche. The psyche, or mind is beginning to develop an understanding of the world, and the individual’s primary, independent role in this world. By the age of six years old, the mind is beginning to form an ego, or a sense of self, and more importantly the awareness of how the self affects or is received by others. This is when socialization begins to occur, and through socialization a person begins to experience boundaries, sometimes helpful for survival and sometimes experienced as a hindrance for individuated and carefree self expression. The psyche develops an absolute need for imagination and play, because without it the psyche would not be able to expand and express some of the more primitive wishes, the unconscious desires that one cannot actually express consciously in the world, it would be chaotic for the social environment, and often not what they truly want to experience in reality, yet the mind and individual somehow needs to create the circumstance through imagination and play. This is absolutely healthy, a survival tactic to ensure the expansion and expression of the human experience without the chaos ensued if it were actual something the person trued to ‘do.” This is actually the difference between a psychotic mind (someone who carries out the actions of their primitive fantasies in real life) and the healthy mind (someone who uses imagination and play, parlayed into watching film, reading stories and other outlets which allow the mind to experience primitive wish without actually doing the deed).
So. . .as the person develops, and their sexual fantasies begin to become an aspect of their psyches, they learn how to accept and allow these fantasies to live as fantasies, perhaps choosing when and where to create the actual scenario, if they choose they want to, or often people just keep their fantasies as they are: a form of (often private) expression experienced through the mind and thus often influencing the visceral body. It has been devised by those who make the study of the mind and body a professional journey, that sexual play is a way by which latency age children, teens, and adults communicate an internal fantasy state, and as the adult begins to mature, this behavior can be identified as being directly related to our most fundamental, primitive wishes. I began by writing about childhood play, to make this point about the transition and this parallel the adult erotic play has to what was once childhood play: a way to slip into a creative, timeless world filled with spontaneous fulfillment, an unconscious awakening and a greater union with essential and dynamic aspects of the emotional self, or the essential core being. Now, this may be shocking to some people reading my blog. . . as many people in the world seem uncomfortable discussing their relationship to the concept of death. However, I believe as a sexual healer, that the psyche is always related to the concept of death as a fundamental aspect to our aliveness, and if we can explore these aspects of self, we are the much freer in our nature to express and experience aliveness here and now. I say this because the concept of death leads us to powerlessness, and thus an overall and truly consistently underlying truth that lives within is at all times.
We are powerless over when, where and to whom we are born; we are powerless over when, where and how we may die, or “transition” as some call it. I like this phrase for the concept of death, because we don’t really ever know what happens to us when we do let our body’s go. We know or we think we are certain that we lose the physical form of our bodies when we pass on, but we have no real truth about what happens to the energy which makes up our life force, the pulse that beats within us constantly and connects us somehow to a greater force of nature. There are many ideas about what happens to this soul, or spirit, or energy, but all we really know, and this is through physics, that energy never dies or disappears, it only transforms. So the physical body transforms by perishing into the earth, either through decomposition or burning. The process of either allows the material form or cellular structure to combine with other inorganic form and thus continue the cycle of growth in the the earth, or natures. However, many people believe that the soul or spirit may transition to other parallel universes, or may become engulfed in the ethers, only to somehow gives or breathe life into a new organic, material body when the new life is formed. Either way(s) I like to take time throughout each day to have gratitude for the mystery of it all, because truly I don;t know the answers, and within that lies the gift of humility, and a sense of being in the world, beyond material gain or loss. We can all say definitely that every individual is attuned to the reality that death, or transition, is the outcome of life. Whether anyone likes it or not, approximation of death is part of the human condition.
We can all relate to the reality that our (omnipotent) psyche is constantly up against a feeling of powerlessness over this thing called life. On a much grander scale, something I find most interesting about the exploration of our relationship to death or passing on, I believe that this conscious and unconscious relationship with death drives the core of our sexuality. The varying ways one person may respond to such self- questioning, such self exploration, such relations and perspectives to the reality of death as a n outcome, is what creates how one may adhere to social expectations and personal sexual choices. To me, the perspective gained by our relationship to the powerlessness we have over death or transition, often drives the wish to explore depths of intimacy, to bond, to feel alive ,to feel the skin, to feel the spirit expand, to grow creatively, to experience life in relationship to breaking personal boundaries trying new things, adventures, to feeling held, warm, and fundamentally to continue living in the most expressive way possible, if a person should choose to want to. Some people relate to death as something they are moving toward, and want to shut down, claim they are old, and not experience the unknown if they don’t have to, because it is to o challenging. All is ok, however anyone chooses to live; it is all an expression of their relationship to this fundamental knowledge around transitioning as the outcome of this life. . .
This leads me to the function of orgasm. Most every person, no matter with whom, under what circumstances, and through what play, is attracted to exploring the orgasmic experience. This experience is attractive because it throttles us for at least a short instance, to experiencing a full force of life throughout our visceral being. It is complete presence with the libidinal force. In that moment we forget time, space, and memory. We experience a spontaneous life- affirming presence. I say that again: for most, orgasm is a life-affirming experience, and thus people are attracted to experiencing and often to exploring its many realms and measures. This experience of orgasm, as mysterious and mind altering as it is, may evoke memories, creative inspirations, and also may gift a person an experience of emptiness for a time, something we all crave: absolute stillness of though and total presence of energy in the body. Many consider this a spiritual experience, something beyond the constructs of society and the mind, if only for a short moment.
There are also many who have developed traumatic relations to the sexual experience. Some feel a strong uni-focused drive and afterward a dirty shame, or a chaotic mind. Some won’t allow themselves to slip into the orgasmic state at all because of a traumatic memory or fantasy connecting them to fear of the vast, mysterious space. Have you ever felt this? I add this aspect into this short blog, because I certainly wish to speak to everyone’s different experiences, and I imagine we have all had different types of orgasmic experience, depending on what we have experienced in our lives, and what may have been or is going on presently.
Mainly, what I wish to express and to leave you to ponder is your own, personal thoughts and feelings around death or transition. Your own thoughts about what orgasm does for you, and what you seek when pursuing orgasm. What kinds of fantasies do you explore privately and what are you willing or wanting to put into enactment? Do you recall some of your favorite imaginary games as a child, and are some of the same interpersonal dynamics still being played out today but in your sexual fantasies, now as an adult. When I say interpersonal dynamic, I mean perhaps when you were a child you played hide and seek because you enjoyed being hidden, or being the seeker, and the excitement of being found, or almost being found but now quite. Does this kind of dynamic play out in your adult fantasies? This is just one example of interpersonal dynamic in child play transforming with parallels in adult fantasy as you matured.
What kinds of memory, fantasy or creative inspirations does orgasm evoke in you? This self understanding is a touchstone for healing, growth, and transformation.